Going back home. - WritingMoniqueWritingMonique
August 18, 2014

This is one of the most awful and hard posts I have ever needed to write, so please be gentle on me if I make any weird mistakes. You know that I have moved to England last week (if you don’t: here’s the blogpostand you also know how enthusiastic I was about this change. Unfortunately this is not the happy, positive post I wanted to write about this move. Actually, this is the post where I tell you why I am flying back to The Netherlands today.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Don’t get me wrong. I still love everything about England: the culture, the history, the creativity and the people. My hostfamily has been absolutely amazing for me, and I have seen a lot of Cambridge already… It’s just that I can’t really enjoy these things..

The first three days I have been here, I have been tortured by huge and longlastig panic attack, filled with crying and hyperventilating. I didn’t sleep good at night and from the third day forward I got horrible stomach aches. At home I couldn’t wait for the adventure to start, but here it just felt lonely and scary. I wanted to go back. I missed everything about my boyfriend and family, I even missed a few typical Dutch things. It was like walking a staircase out of ice (Yes, I have watched Frozen yesterday), wanting and trying to take a new step every single time, but always slipping.

“It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.”

Skyping, Telephone conversations, texting, going outdoors, staying indoors: I have tried everything and anything I (and my family) could think of. But the more I was trying to fight it, the harder it came back and hit me in the face. There were two options: staying and trying to pull through or giving up. After talking to multiple (lovely) familymembers at home, my boyfriend and my therapist I cut the string… I booked a flight back to The Netherlands.

It was, and it still is, one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. You all know how much I was looking forward to this adventure and admiting that this dream maybe wasn’t the best option is always hard and uncomfortable. I have actually enjoyed the days in England, after booking my ticket home, because the anxiety found the exit. I would love to have beaten the anxiety (with a stick perhaps) but sometimes that’s just not possible. Sometimes the best thing is to be able to say:n ‘at least I have tried’.

 “Only those who dare to fail greatly, can ever achieve greatly.”

This isn’t the end of my England adventure, I will be back (be prepared!). Maybe not soon, maybe not alone and maybe not for a long period of time but I will see this intire country. I don’t feel like I have failed, I have tried and it didn’t work. There are more roads that lead to the same place…

Thanks for all your support! <3 

Posted in Personal

21 comments on “Going back home.”

    August 18, 2014

    Don’t be too hard on yourself! Making the decision move there alone itself was a brave thing to do, and you need to take care of yourself :)

    August 18, 2014

    So sad to hear the news, but I think you made the right decision by moving back to the Netherlands, as you have your family and friends there. I’m sure you will be able to return to England sometime soon, and it will be a wonderful adventure! But for now, the Netherlands is your home :)

    August 18, 2014

    I am so very proud of you Monique (and I know I’ve repeated myself a million times, but it’s the absolute truth so why not? 😉 😀 <3 )
    The courage and strength you have shown is so immense, it really, truly is.
    Coming to England all on your own must have been so unbelievably hard, yet you had enough spirit and soul to follow your dreams and go for what you wanted. I really am so in awe of you! LA was intimidating enough for me, and that was without the prospect of a new job and family to get used to. Those lonely, frightening feelings are just the worst. I can only imagine the massive tangle of emotions you must have felt before and during your time here in the UK.

    Once again you have proved how admirable you are by going with your gut feeling, hearing what your heart has to say and knowing what's best for you by returning home. Dreams can be wonderful, and I'm so sorry this one hasn't gone to plan for you, but once again you are being extremely brave for being honest, going with your heart and not letting this defeat you. Your attitude is so positive and spirited, and you can go home having gained a remarkable strength that has gotten you through this so fearlessly xo

    I will always be so happy we got to meet today, it was lovely seeing you and having that time together :) You really are the kindest, sweetest, loveliest person (even nicer than I had imagined, which yesterday I would have thought impossible). I really cherish our friendship, and said to Graham on the way home that it feels like "fate" we started talking and cemented such a bond.

    Can't wait to see you again one day soon! Love you lots! <3

    Sophie | soinspo

    August 18, 2014

    I think you’re wise to go home if it doesn’t feel right, and your outlook on the situation is admirable. As you say, there are so many more possibilities for you! Good luck in the future :)

    xx Mimmi, Muted Mornings

    August 19, 2014

    I can imagine that going back home was a very difficult decision for you. I’m sure that you will make your way back to England when you’re in a more positive space, and you feel more prepared for your stay. I look forward to reading about your adventures when you decide that you are ready to go on that journey.



    August 19, 2014

    like you said, you tried it. it was just wasn’t for you or the right time maybe. there will be no regrets there because you gave it a shot.

    August 19, 2014

    So, so sorry for all the anxiety and panic attacks that you went through, I know how frustrating it can get! It was so very brave of you to travel to England and even though the stay lasted for much shorter than you planned, you should be very proud of yourself that you took that step. It’s very important to listen to your heart and I’m glad that you did what you thought was the best for you!

    My beauty and lifestyle blog

    August 19, 2014

    I’m sorry to hear this! Be strong and remember that everything happens for a reason :)
    Ayesha xxx

    August 19, 2014

    It must have been so hard for you.. I’m sorry. You’re very courageous to make this kind of decision, personnaly, I would have done nothing else than cry, and become completely mad ><

    I hope next time, you'll go with someone you love to support you, this is not the kind of adventure you do alone. And then, I'm sure you'll succeed to live and be happy there, Cambridge is a really beautiful city !

    August 19, 2014

    Definitely don’t be too hard on yourself. You tried and that’s the most important thing! <3 xx

    August 19, 2014

    It was very wise of you to do what you felt was right! Even though it must have been hard for you, it was right to follow your dreams and your heart! I’m so sorry for what you went through!

    MJ // http://www.littlepandacrafts.blogspot.com

    August 20, 2014

    Nothing to be ashamed about. You tried and found it wasn’t for you! I applaud the fact you knew this and took steps to right the wrong! Good for you!!! Can’t tell you how many jobs I’ve had in my lifetime. When something doesn’t work out for me–I change it–no regrets about any of it! :) T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

    August 20, 2014

    don’t be hard on yourself sweets. i moved from NYC because I missed my family so much, too. you can’t move until you’re ready. you have to do what’s best for you. best of luck! <3

    August 20, 2014

    it takes an even braver person to admit that it when things are not working out.. when the time is right you will come back and have the experience you had hoped for.

    August 21, 2014

    Just messaged you after reading this post! I think you made the correct decision as you were feeling very lonely and depressed so it was the right thing to do. From a comment above I read that you met Sophie and that’s great! I follow her too so and she’s a sweetheart so am glad you had some good memories in England! I’m sure you will go back but I think you should take a friend with you this time so you will feel much better!

    August 25, 2014

    I support you! Don’t be hard with yourself or sad… Maybe you weren’t ready for that… Maybe another time! Now you just need to move on 😉 xoxo

    October 11, 2014

    Ik ben een beetje laat met reageren, maar ik wil toch nog even een comment achterlaten. Ik vind het al super stoer dat je deze stap überhaupt hebt durven nemen! Dapper! En dat je dan uiteindelijk tot de conclusie bent gekomen dat je weer terug wilde naar Nederland, dan is dat wat het is toch. At least you’ve tried!
    Oh en Engeland gaat nergens heen. Er is nog genoeg tijd om het hele land te ontdekken.

    October 13, 2014

    At least you tried! It’s a very big step to move away to another country. At least you experienced it. :) I think that makes you very brave. Also, it takes a lot of guts to admit that living in England wasn’t for you. There is nothing wrong with that! It’s better than feeling miserable/stressed/anxious. It’s not good for the health. Hope you’re feeling better now that you’re back in the Netherlands! <3

    October 15, 2014

    Hey, thanks for your comment!! You definitely need to try some of the raspberry products :) They smell a dream. It’s a shame you have decided to move back home but sometimes the time isn’t right. You need to do what you feel and what your body is telling you and when you do come back and visit try not to associate the feelings you had before. Maybe try a different part of England? Fly to a different airport and not link them things together. Maybe you should fly to Durham Tees Valley and come to my tea hose YEY! We get a lot of KLM pilots and attendants visiting us already. Thank you for reading my blog I will make sure to follow you x


    October 18, 2014

    I also have anxiety and I used to get panic attacks, to the point where it was severely crippling. From one anxiety sufferer to another: this journey was not a failure! Far from it! To even make those plans, get on the flight and try something new is an accomplishment and you should be so proud. The worst thing you can do with anxiety is stay scared and fearful in your known environment. Baby steps and small accomplishments are what will help you achieve that end goal in the future!


    October 18, 2014

    totally agree with you! Thank you so much <3!